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[Friday
January 5th, 2007 at 3:06pm] |
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BIOPSY!! Owwiee..I'm gonna sleep now<3
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[Thursday
January 4th, 2007 at 4:38am] |
I just finished writing a letter to Sammy, explaining to him my current beliefs and way of life. I'm very scared that he won't be accepting and I'll have to give it up. I would be very upset and I don't know what I would do if I had to give up MS. Ever since I began learning about it, I've felt a chnge within myself, a kind of awakening for lack of a better term.
I'm pretty tired and I'm sooo hot because of this laptop heating up my legs. I'm sweating!! Alright that was a little gross..
Also, Tom was definitely tipsy and coming on to me. I warned him that if Sammy found out that Tom would be dead meat but he didn't seem to mind. I just kind of felt bad because Tom is very attracted to me and I really cannot return that attraction. I'm so very in love with Sammy and I wouldn't give him up for the world.
I felt bad but Tom was making me feel pretty good about myself by telling me that I'm a "fox". I love that term. It's absolutely hip-hoppin. It's such a great word when not talking about the animal.
I miss Sammy so much. I miss kissing him and touching him and just having him hold me while we lay in my bed and nap. I miss him so much it hurts, I hope he'll be able to come visit me once he gets to MOS school. Apparently, according to him, he won't be going back home from training until April 21st. That's really sad, because that means I won't be able to be with him up in Jersey until May or after that...and that's saying that my mom allows me to go up to Jersey for the summer which I'm still really not sure of..I don't know what I'll do if I'm stuck HERE all summer...
I can barely handle this holiday break let alone an entire summer of being in my god-forsaken room.
Alright, my head hurts and I'm still sweaty. Goodnight all, or Goodmorning rather<33
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[Tuesday
January 2nd, 2007 at 3:10pm] |
My account was banned or locked from LttD. I'm really, really pissed off. I don't know why so I messaged Magister Ventrue and asked why. I messaged him on Myspace considering I can't do ANYTHING on LttD. I'm really very angry.
Whatever. I put new myspace pictures up. I love them. They're cute.
I kind of just want to go back to school. I'm so bored. I have nothing to do here in the house. I sleep until 2pm and I eat, watch tv and go online for the rest of the day until strange hours of the morning when I just get so bored that I decide to go to sleep. That's my life during the Holiday break. We have two weeks. This week is the last week. I'm bored out of my skull.
So comment me or go comment my myspace. I really have nothing better to do but read and watch tv.
-B
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[Sunday
December 31st, 2006 at 11:02pm] |
Okay so Happy New Year first off..
If you read that little spiel about Zak and his beliefs. Please, disregard it entirely. I was making judgements that I no longer..actually never..had the right to make.
I myself have found a belief in which I plan to follow through with into this New Year. I suppose it may not be popular but I believe that this will really help me in truly being secure and happy. This belief gives me something that nothing has ever given me before. It shows me who I really am, in which case will allow me to manifest my own ideas, interests and personal goals and beliefs.
Happy New Year to all<3
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[Sunday
December 31st, 2006 at 1:02pm] |
Yeah. Tonight is going to be terrible. And I'm going to cry. I have no plans. I have no friends. I'm fucking alone on New Year's Eve. Way to start the new year, right? Alone.
Yeah this is definitely foreshadowing my new year... A-L-O-N-E.
I fucking hate Florida. So fucking much. Goddamnit.
I hate my fucking life.
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[Saturday
December 30th, 2006 at 1:29am] |
"From: Deathstar Supergalactik
Date: Dec 30, 2006 1:16 AM
Subject Done Playing Politically Correct: READ THIS
Body: I need to become very honest with everyone who I've been playing politically correct with and don't know this about me: I'm a Satanist. I don't worship the devil, I don't even believe in the devil or jesus or any other superstitious entity. I reject the christian model of the universe entirely in favor of extolling the virtues of ego and indulgence. I practice the arcane arts and other forms of reality-control. I am an Anti-Christian. I oppose Christian doctrine (but not CHRISTIANS...I have little problem with most Christians that I know...only tyrannical doctrines). I just felt it was time I let you all know where I stand. If this hurts our relationship, I apologize for your ignorance.
Ave Satanis "
Those are the words of Zak Gowen..that kid really has lost his fucking mind. Poor soul..he thinks he's onto something..
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[Friday
December 29th, 2006 at 12:24pm] |
This morning I went to the Doctor and found out that I have an overactive thyroid and there's a cyst on it too. It's not that bad but I have to get a biopsy. I'm nervous..but then again the doctor says that Nervousness, diarrhea and lack of concentration are all the symptoms of an overactive thyroid. I know everything will be okay.
I miss Sammy. I hope he's having fun. I know he loves what he's doing. They're doing field training over the next few weeks. I know he's going to love it. It just sounds like something he would love to do for three weeks.
Sam K. messaged me on Myspace, taking interest in my Floridian life. It was strange. So I answered his questions and asked him a few about his life. It's so weird. Two years ago, I never would have thought that Sam K. and I would be better off as friends. I guess I was just so obsessed, I don't know. I'm just so proud of myself that all of that is finally over and I've allowed myself to let go of all the bad ways he made me feel about myself.
I love Sammy<33 and I miss him very, very much.
By the way, I'm going to my Uncle Michael's house tonight to celebrate his girlfriend, D's, birthday. She turns 31 but she looks like she's a teenager. It's so funny, our family is so disturbed by it...well really only my Uncle Tony. But he's a nerd-face so it's okay.
pIEce out, homeslice.
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[Thursday
December 28th, 2006 at 2:55pm] |
I definitely miss Sammy beyond all reason. Allison is coming to pick me up soon. She's going to be busy getting ready to go to a barbeque..but I really need to get out of the house. Out of the house without my mother.
I swear I'm going to lose it in this apartment. I need to be out and with people. People who aren't over 30..
Last night I watched this really disturbing movie about aliens..and I just thought about Sammy the whole time and how much this movie would freak him out. Haha. I really want to like suggest this movie to him..but I'm not that mean.. okay maybe I am THAT mean.. but I love him so I won't do it.
I can't believe he's gone again. I won't be hearing his voice for the next three weeks. Uhh I thought not seeing him was bad.. now I can't even talk to him. Hopefully he'll write me a letter soon.
I had therapy today with Bonnie. She gave me a list of NA and AA meetings. I definitely think that I should start going again. I know I can't do this alone. I need to make some friends inside the rooms. I'm just nervous that no one will talk to me and I'll have no one to like sit with and just you know say hi to at the beginning of the meeting. I always had that at Summit Oaks. I knew a couple people there and I knew everyone there was friendly and I trusted them.
I'm just scared about opening up to new people. I'm just very scared.
<3
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[Wednesday
December 27th, 2006 at 6:01pm] |
I love this quote. Megan always has it in her journal. Every once in a while she'll post it. And I always forget about it until I read it on there. So here it is. It's soo true too.. about me and MY boy, Sammy<33
"I hate the way you talk to me,
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots,
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick;
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate it,
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it that you're not around,
And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.
Not even close,
Not even a little bit,
Not even at all. "
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[Wednesday
December 27th, 2006 at 12:34am] |
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Dying my hair. Again. If you want to know what color you'll have to ask me personally..SLUTFACE!! ha!
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[Tuesday
December 26th, 2006 at 12:40pm] |
Just woke up a little while ago. Sammy leaves tomorrow. Today is the last day that I can really talk to him on the phone. I'm so sad. I miss him already. Well, I did miss him already but now I'm REALLY really going to miss him because for three weeks I won't even be able to talk to him on the phone. It's going to be so depressing and lonely..all over again.
I don't want him to leave again. Three weeks is a long time. I've been talking to him everyday for the past month almost, this is going to be a drastic change again. But at least it's not three months. I definitely couldn't do that again.
Well, hopefully I will get to see Gabby and that will make me smile. Yayy!! She's in Florida and I might be spending New Year's with her!!! Woop woop!
Okay I'm going to go get a drink and finish watching Judging Amy. PIEce out.
<33
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[Monday
December 25th, 2006 at 10:03pm] |
Christmas wasn't that great. I got a laptop and I'm watching Bad Santa. Those are the highlights of my day. Other than that. Christmas was a disaster. A lonely fucking disaster.
Today is mine and Sammy's one year anniversary and we've been bickering all day. I miss him so much. I can't stand it. And now he's leaving me again in two days. Less than that. I'm sad. And he's barely talking to me. He keeps "calling me back." I hate this shit.
I'm trying to find colleges to go to. I'm never going to be able to figure this out. Sammy isn't much help he doesn't have a lot of patience with me and researching about our fucking future. But whatever.
I love him. That's all that matters. I have to remember this. It's my love for him that will keep me going.
Happy Christmas.
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[Friday
December 22nd, 2006 at 4:24pm] |
I'm on my way to Boynton Beach to go visit my family again. Yeah, the crazy old people. It's alright though because I leave on Sunday soo I won't have to go entirely insane.
Sammy leaves in five days. I don't want him to. I won't be able to talk to him for three weeks. It's going to be hell. OH god. Our anniversary is December 25th..christmas..and we won't be sharing it together. How depressing is that? The closest we can be to each other on that special fucking day is on the phone. I'm just glad that I'll get to hear his voice. I love him so much. No one has any idea. We're getting married and having lots of kids..and FOUR dogs and two cats. I can't wait. Our life is going to be wonderful.
I used to just not care at all about my future because I didn't think that I'd live long enough to see it. But ever since I met Sammy my life has changed. My outlook on life has changed entirely. Before I met him I didn't even want children. I thought I was going to live alone and have Seven thousand cats. But now..there's something for me. I have a fucking purpose. And that changes everything.
The only thing that would make me happier right now is if five years would go by really fast, that I lived in New Jersey with Sammy. That's all I want and need now. I love him. I love him I love him I lovehim. I could never say it enough. Those words never grow old.
I love him.
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[Wednesday
December 20th, 2006 at 12:35pm] |
I had Algebra II and English midterms today. They sucked and I think I did really badly.
And tomorrow I have the Chemistry exam. Eww and I probably won't do well on that one either. I have some extra credit to do..so yeah I'm going to do that. Peace out ..
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[Thursday
December 14th, 2006 at 2:18pm] |
Sam is coming tomorrow!! Oh my effing god. I'm going to diieee when I see him. I'm so happy. AH!!! I hope everyone is happy withhh mee!!!! YAYY!!!!
By the way.. and as if that wasn't fun enough! Gabbylicious is coming down in Eight days nigggaaa!!!
Oh my, oh my there's so much love here <333
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[Wednesday
December 13th, 2006 at 7:11pm] |
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I'm ready to Fuck! I'm Uffie of course!
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[Sunday
December 10th, 2006 at 12:08pm] |
Today I'm leaving my Aunt's house in Boynton. And I'm going back home. ughh I really don't want to go to school tomorrow because exams are this week and I'm going to go crazy because I have no idea what I'm doing.
Whatever, I'm not even caring about that right now. I just can't wait to be with Sam. I love him. I love him. I could never say it enough.
We will have a life together. We will be happy. <3
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[Friday
December 8th, 2006 at 10:33pm] |
He was supposed to go home tonight. To Jersey. I've heard lots of flights are delayed and cancelled. He was supposed to call me when he got home. He never did. I guess he won't be coming home until very late or tomorrow. I'm sad. I really wanted to hear his voice. I love him so much. I won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel it.
I'm at my aunt's house in Boynton. Deven is here because him and his family came to see Uncle Jeff's brother's newborn. So the rest of Deven's family is at the hotel but he's going to stay here with me tonight. I guess just to get away from everyone.
I miss Sam so much. Hopefully he's coming next week to see me in at my house in Clearwater.
There's a lump in my neck. They're telling me it's not cancerous. But whether it's cancerous or not..it's not supposed to be there. And it hurts. And I'm scared.
I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm too anxious for my own good.
I feel the attack coming on.
No place is safe anymore.
On a happier note, Deven and I spent an hour taking pictures down by the lake. They're pretty. I was scared that alligators were going to come up on the grass. But I don't think that they're there. The Humane Society probably took them out and put them in the Nature center that my aunt was telling me about. I was still paranoid. It was dark and windy.
We took really good pictures. Some are pretty, some are lonely, some are mysterious and some are just plain ridiculous and funny. Maybe things aren't so bad. I've got my Deven. <33
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[Tuesday
November 28th, 2006 at 4:47pm] |
Everyone's got their own issues. Mine are miniscule compared to others'. There's no point in writing about them. Everyone knows. There's nothing that can be done except to wait. Wait and cry. Cry and sit. Sit on my bed and watch TV until December 25th. That's all I can do. And that's all I'll ever do because I am here. I am here and I am alone. And alone is where I'll be.
My favorite poem is The Raven. You should read it. Everyone. It's the best poem I've ever read in my life. Truly. I love it. It is THE best poem I have ever read or ever will read. It's not sad, happy, depressing, angry.. it's just The Raven. And I like it. It's beautiful in every way, shape and form possible. Read it.
http://www.heise.de/ix/raven/Literature/Lore/TheRaven.html
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| Newark Airport |
[Monday
November 27th, 2006 at 10:03am] |
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Waiting for my plane at 10:30. Goodbye New Jersey. Hello Ricky and Lucy. I love my cats. They're the reason I come home.
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